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Living in the discomfort of the unresolved.

Right now, I’m living in a period of change and nearly constant trial-and-error.

I’ll readily admit that in my recent lifestyle changes and job transition, I’ve fallen back into my default mode where I feel the need to cram all my life experiences from day to day into either “good” or “bad,” “black” or “white.” My default mode does not tolerate the unresolved, in-between, not-sure-what-this-is, gray areas.

I don’t want unfinished. I don’t want “in progress,” “to be determined,” or “under construction.”

No. I want perfection, and I want it now. In my relationships, in my housekeeping, in my work, in my appearance, in everything. With the blinders of my human nature over my eyes, all I want is for things to be finished and tidy and wrapped up in neat little packages and put on a shelf so that I can live with peace of mind, all day, every day.

Yeah, okay, that sounds so great. Right?! Except life REALLY doesn’t lend itself to that idea… not now, and not ever.

In church on Sunday, the pastor told us all somewhere toward the end of his message to just take a moment and pray. He had a specific topic he wanted us to ask God about, something that related to his sermon. But, by that point I was thinking about lunch, and I zoned out on the guided prompt part (sorry, Lloyd).

Anyway, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and I nonchalantly prayed, “Well God, hey.  It’s been a while I guess. I’ve been working really hard at things and I feel like I’ve got my life sorta together for once, so I haven’t really needed to talk to you that much… so… yeah…”

Now, I’ve never audibly heard the voice of God, but He’s spoken to me before just by bringing things to my mind– images, phrases, memories. And I can’t explain it, but when it happens, I know it’s Him. So while I was halfheartedly telling Him that I didn’t need His help (which, LOL at that idea), I felt this powerful stirring in my soul, and He said, “Be still. Stop striving.”

Here’s what happened in my head in that moment:

… WHOA God is that you?! (spoiler alert, it was)

Like a true workaholic, my gut response was, “I don’t want to be lazy! I can’t just stop.”

His reply? “Laziness is irrelevant.”

Long pause.

“My grace is sufficient for you. Live in it.”

“Um. What. Striving is what got me success, right? Come on, I can’t just quit.”

Again, I just heard, “Be still.”

In this phase of my life, I’m living in the discomfort of the unresolved. Like most everyone, I experience conflict and pain, along with the daily worries of life, and I carry the weight that I can’t go to bed at night with all my ducks in a row.

Isn’t it just like God to speak right into the middle of that struggle I didn’t even know I was having? I thought I was doing fine on my own! Isn’t it just like Him to take a quiet moment, and show me how much I’ve been living by my own human tendencies?

My sinful, “default” mode of living comes with a huge desire want to fix everything I’m going through. I want to fix the hurt and the unfinished things in myself and in others. The voice of Satan (in the form of shame, as always) tells me I need to keep working my butt off to be in the “good,” day in and day out because that’s the only way to earn happiness, earn success, earn favor and earn love.

But God says, no. Just be still. He already favors and loves me because I’m His child. And what He wants from me now is to be still and live in the discomfort of all the unresolved, “in progress” things.

The verse literally says:

“He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted’ …” (Psalm 46:10)

It doesn’t say, “Keep scrambling 24/7 to put everything in an orderly category of black or white, and I will be exalted.”

To exalt Him, I must just BE STILL. Be still in the gray.

As much as I hate that notion, and as much as I’m trying to resist it and may always resist it as a human, I know deep down that He’s commanded us to be still. He doesn’t command us to run around like busybodies and try to keep everything perfectly tidy.

So, if you’re reading this, and you’re right there with me– trying to hold your life together (and maybe even feeling like you’re successful)– I think that constant striving is a sure sign that you need to be still. Take a deep breath, and let’s trust Him in the discomfort of the gray.

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When things don’t go according to “the plan.”

Luke and Allie

As of last Sunday, December 6th, Luke and I have been engaged for a full year.

The plan was to be engaged for less than a year.

The plan was that wedding prep would go oh-so-smoothly.

The plan was for me to live in my current apartment for less than six months.

The plan was to have a beautiful fall wedding where everything would be perfect.

The plan was to be happily settled into married life by Christmas 2015.

But right now, I sit in my little apartment almost ten months after I moved into it, and it’s decorated for Christmas. Just this morning I renewed my lease to live here for another term. Clearly, it’s December, and that means fall has come and gone.

And, as you may have noticed, we are not married.

The funny thing is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In late February, right after I moved to Tennessee, Luke brought up the possibility of postponing our wedding. He felt that we weren’t as ready for marriage as we’d thought, and he wanted to slow down and take more time before we made such a huge commitment. I was extremely concerned with how that would look to other people, and the thought of deviating from “the plan” that we had already set in motion was absolutely terrifying to my anxious, control freak self.

I’m ashamed to admit that in my efforts to maintain that control, I failed to acknowledge that he was right. In fact, I was downright disrespectful to him, pushing back and invalidating his feelings every time we would discuss it. How could he not consider what other people would think? I’d already chosen my bridesmaids, told my extended family the wedding date, booked a venue and asked a dear friend and mentor of mine to be the officiant. What would all those people say when they found out we were throwing on the brakes? What will they assume? Will they see us differently? In my type A, perfectionistic, self-centered world, those thoughts were enough to keep me up at night– literally.

Eventually, I gave in. We postponed our wedding, and the phone calls I had to make to friends and family to let them know were probably some of the most difficult I’ve ever made. I was so buried in shame, I had to do some intense deep breathing before every phone call to keep from folding into the fetal position on the floor. But to my surprise, every single person I told responded with such love and grace. My MeeMaw was the last person I called that night, and she told me that she loved me and she loved Luke, no matter what. She was certain that if we put Christ first, that he would bring healing and bring us to a place of being ready for marriage, if that was his will.

I remember hanging up the phone with her, and I sat on my couch for an hour or more, crying until I couldn’t anymore. Oddly enough, they were tears more of relief that my loved ones had offered to walk alongside us in this journey, rather than judging and condemning. I had expected the worst, but those closest to me demonstrated grace. And that night, I believe, was the beginning of my own journey to understanding grace.

Throughout college, and especially as I transitioned to living life as an independent adult, I had grown to function out of a place of black-and-white, no-room-for-gray perfectionism– to the point of carrying around very real anxiety and overwhelming shame and self-criticism in every part of my soul. I had no grace for myself. I was either perfect at everything, all the time, or I was worthless. And in reality, perfection is just not attainable, so I lived in a state of believing I was worthless. At everything. All the time.

Throughout the last year, though, the Lord has been merciful to me, and He’s used every circumstance in my life to bring that to light, and to change it. In all honesty, it’s been an incredibly difficult year of examining my heart as Jesus sees it.

Postponing our wedding was big, yes, and the time that Luke and I have shared getting to know each other’s hearts has been nothing short of a huge blessing. We’ve both learned so much about each other and about ourselves, and it’s truly incredible to see where we are now as compared to where we were as a couple earlier this year. Starting my first full time job brought its own dose of humility, and my spending habits and bedtime have certainly changed as I’ve learned to take better care of my body and the resources God has blessed me with.

But I think the biggest transformation I’ve seen in myself is that I am now aware of the importance of grace.

The Lord has shown me how loving I can be just by extending grace to others (and to myself). And you know what? That’s really hard to do. It’s something I’ll be learning how to do for the rest of my life.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to live life in fear. I don’t have to make everyone like me, all the time, every day. I no longer see life as either perfect, or completely worthless. I don’t have to control everything in order for it to be a good thing. I don’t see everything as either black or white– I’m learning how much joy comes from living in the gray and choosing to accept and extend grace.

Nothing in my life has gone according to how I’ve planned it over the last year. But I look back on the past year, and I realize that God has used my relationship with this loving man in my life to put “sandpaper to my heart,” as a new friend of mine put it (read that here). I was perfectly fine to sweep all of these things in my heart under the rug and never deal with them.

But God had other plans. He wanted to smooth them out and change my hear to be more like His. So I’m learning to let go of “the plan,” relinquish control, and live in the scary, weird, thrilling, joyous place that is the gray.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21

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Mountaintops and #MCM

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Today, I need to take time to brag on the wonderful man in my life. My loving, providing, caring, and devoted fiancé.

Before I begin, a slight disclaimer– I’m completely okay now, healthy as a horse. But, this is a lovely selfie from the Vanderbilt Hospital ER, where Luke took me around 4 PM on Saturday.

Six hours later, he was still there in full force to chauffeur my exhausted self home, when he was just as tired as I was. He never once left my side, and he never once said a negative word– despite the miserable environment that is the emergency room in a busy hospital.

The world tells us that true love looks like the perfect proposal videos we see on YouTube, the charming wedding photos that litter every Pinterest feed, and the perfectly styled engagement photos that always make us let out a heavy, wishful sigh when we scroll through them on Facebook.

All of that is great, but I’m of the belief that true love looks an awful lot like my life did on Saturday night.

It looks like him sitting beside me while I made pained faces because I was being jabbed with needles. Offering a listening ear while I was questioned and informed by one doctor, then another, and another. Playing with my hair (because he knows it’s my favorite source of comfort) during hour 3 of sitting in an uncomfortable chair while waiting for test results. Giving me a smile and a kiss on the forehead when I probably looked like I might cry from sheer impatience at any given moment.

“In sickness and in health” should be more than just a line that’s parroted back in front of a hundred people at a carefully orchestrated event in a white dress and a tux. So often I think that phrase is thought of as something that will “never happen to us.” And WHEN (not “if”) sickness does happen, lovers are left overwhelmed with the sudden weight of a less-than-healthy partner– whether it be a hiccup physical, spiritual, or emotional health.

But, how very blessed I am to have a man who’s living that out long before we ever say our vows. How lucky I am to live life with someone who shows me his love every single day– in the little things and the big.  On the bad days of lengthy ER visits and utter exhaustion, and on the good days of drive-in movies and picnics. During the sweet times laughter and joy, and during the dark times of anxiety, panic, and sorrow.

In sickness. And in health.

The good days are there. The days where we celebrate life’s milestones together are there. The overwhelmingly beautiful and joyful days are there… the mountaintops. But that’s not all that life is.

And as my favorite, Ben Rector would say, “Life is not the mountaintops. It’s the walking in between, and I like you walking next to me.”

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3